It’s been a while…
….and it really has. I think one of the reasons I stopped posting on here was because I started to bottle things up again. Anyway… I managed to fix one of the situations I spoke about before with regards to friends and how they treat each other and my expectations. I text them over Christmas and said I was sorry and I asked for them to understand my position. To cut the story short we all decided we handled the situation in the wrong way. On that note why do people say things like “Oh, but it won’t be how it was before”. I don’t understand that, well it won’t be if you don’t let it. Why say it? Just let things flow. You don’t have established rules and regulations over people or in friendships so why try lay something down like that. I remember the line “We both do different things now, we probably won’t be around much. These appear to me as threats and warnings. What’s really funny is nothing has changed at all as far as I can see. Never mind though that’s good news.
The other thing is a bit sad, I had a friend that I had known for about 8 years, I had feelings for her and ultimately she treated me like poopy throughout those 8 years. I obviously liked her enough to actually stay around because she needed help and I wanted to help her. But at the beginning of the month we had a chat and I explained how I felt. I explained the things she had said and done to me and how they made me feel. I explained that when she attempted to take her own life it had a dramatic effect on my life, but nothing was ever mentioned about how it effected me, nothing. Her Dad thanked me and I felt honoured to have done something to help her and I felt honoured that she rang me to tell me what she had done so I could help her. But that was it, I was just left to deal with my feelings on it. I know that sounds selfish but when you care that much about somebody it is going to effect you. Anyway I decided it was best for me not to be involved with a person that wished I was dead and that she hated me, then said she loved me. I mentioned all of this and she denied it.
All or nothing…
I guess after being ill for so long with depression and anxiety I have realized a lot about myself. I think I’ve always been a little paranoid, wary of people & noncommittal for fear of being hurt. This is stuff I never realized about myself, although I have had people tell me that I always lock my heart away & that I should open up. I think taking that advice hasn’t really helped my situation, as you can see from my other blog posts the people I do let in I am very passionate about & would do anything for them. However I now understand that a lot of people don’t give what they get back. In fact two of people I assumed were close friends actually decided they don’t have any time for me at all. But I still always seem to be there when they need somebody. It feels like being used, I want to walk away from these people but…. I can’t. I have tried but a still cling on the remnants of these relationships.
Daily thought… + The Sun doesn’t give light to the Moon assuming the Moon’s going to owe it one.
It would appear that I let this slide for sometime. Not because I feel differently just because I haven’t been able to face writing any of my thoughts or feelings. I probably should get more of it out so I am going to try and keep posting.
So to the main topic. The Sun doesn’t give light to the Moon assuming the Moon’s going to owe it one… But I do? I think it would be nice if people remembered when you were there for them. Even if it was years ago, those feint conversations they have to offer in return for you helping them disgusts me. I remember everything people have done for me and in return they will always have my undivided attention when ever they need it, if they need it. Maybe I expect to much from human beings, if I can call them that when clearly they have little to no compassion.
Rant: Demonstrative actions…
I’m actually writing this in a weird state of anger and depression. It makes me funnily enough so angry and depressed how people act around each other. What follows isn’t personal experience although I have seen people act in such a way. I’m a big fan of e-sports, I will happily sit all day and watch pro gamers do what they do best. Often it helps with my own game-play and is thoroughly entertaining. So why is it that we have and I use this term loosely ‘people’ willing to ruin this by basically bullying someone on the internet, whether it be a demonstrative remark, racism, hacking them, spamming them etc…
Now don’t get me wrong, I understand this happens in the world around us as well as on the internet. But there seems to be a better safety net in the real world than that offered online. I will add I don’t mean this safety net works well. But there is something there for those people that want help, in some situations. Although I think peoples awareness of this needs to be increased, because there are some fantastic people out there willing to give their devotion to helping people.
The victims of this scenario are propelled in to the internet lime light. Some of them getting 25k plus viewers and becoming some what of a celebrity. They have no training for dealing with this, not that I expect it would help much. Something needs to be done about this. I understand Streams have admin’s but they are not paid and obviously they cannot be around 100% of the time. Although some of the admin’s only exist to continue their little power trips and exacerbate situations.
Having said that I don’t want the internet to change from what it is. It’s genuinely one of those miracle things that exists and allows us to communicate educate and be entertained. Maybe this is something that e-sports need to address, similar to how Football or Soccer did the say no to racism campaign.
/rant over
Why don’t you close the door when you’re leaving me?
Repairing friendships is all well and good, but as we all know a repair isn’t actually a fix. It’s making the best of something that is otherwise broken. I don’t think those things ever go back to ‘normal’. I don’t believe I did anything major. The odd text message here or there doesn’t constitute a friendship. What that actually is to me is using someone when you get bored or want someone to talk to when your ‘main’ people aren’t there. You can even go to the extent of making empty gestures for there birthday because it makes you feel better about yourself. But ultimately the other person ends up feeling like nothing. It’s utterly painful to treat someone like this. These people should remember who was there for them and more importantly why. They don’t though.
If you have to go, please go quietly.
Photo reblogged from Dexterity Bonus with 141 notes
The livestream’s over. :c
I didn’t want it to end.
YOU GUYS, VOTE FOR RO IF YOU HAVEN’T ALREADY.
http://kingofweb.com/users/rosannapansinoEven though my sleep cycle is royally annihilated this week, that stream was really fun xD
Source: howellatyoboy
merelldaniels-deactivated201212 asked: Just wanted to tell you that I read your post about losing friends. You're right. It's very painful. And it's unfair. I'm going through the exact same thing. Just realize that it is NOT your fault and if they're not willing to help you through these tough times, they aren't REALLY your friends in the first place. You deserve someone devoted (too). Keep that in mind. You ARE worthy.
Thank you for your comments and sorry for the delay in replying to you, got a massive tooth ache but anyway. Thank you for your comments I am really grateful for your support. It does restore some of my lost faith in humanity and people on the internet. Follow your own advice, I know it’s the hardest thing to do. But try too :)
Thanks again for your lovely comments and good luck in the future.
Kura
Do you feel like I feel?
During my life I haven’t always hung around in the big groups of people. In fact when I was very young I never spoke to anybody. I have always had what I would call ‘close friends’ the ones I loved and cared about, the kind you would literally do anything for. What happens when they become distant?
I feel since I have been ill with depression & anxiety that a lot of my friends have simply given up with me. Maybe that’s because I can be hard to deal with, sometimes…. a lot of the time I want to be alone. Other times I really want people around me. I guess that puts stress on people? But when my friends are like that I would always respect that and maybe just check in once in a while to make sure they knew somebody cared or be there for them when they really needed it, quite often devoting all of my time to them.
A few of my friends have simply slung me aside. “Oh well I don’t do that any more”, “I won’t be around much any more.” We’re talking over the space of a few weeks. Like suddenly life changing events have occurred.
This leads me to the conclusion that I am deluded with my concepts of friendship.
Losing friends is painful.
Post with 3 notes
Infatuation
Infatuation or Besotted. The definitions confuse me. They mean exactly the same thing, however one suggests it’s a short term thing. But what happens when it’s not? Is this love? That feeling you know… the one where you can’t get someone out of your mind. They literally become your every other thought. Even after years and years of feeling it, but that feeling doesn’t go away. Why if it isn’t reciprocated does it never go away?
You see another person, that person is beautiful. I should add here that I only use the word beautiful to mean everything, not just an attractiveness physically, but a mental attraction. That person is beautiful. Not just beautiful to look at. But when it comes to it, they just aren’t that other person. It’s not even a comparison between the two people. It’s just that the person isn’t the person you are I guess in love with?
Do people ever move on from that feeling towards somebody?
It does feel like it ever gets easier, people always say it does, but it really doesn’t.
Mind Diversion
Positivity…..or mind distraction. That’s the name of the game for today. I am trying to be more positive with my thought’s. It’s harder than you might think when in this state of mind. However having a good group of friends, being able to repair friendships and otherwise distract myself is working for the most part. Blogging about it does mean that I am thinking about what I am doing, however it does allow me to get it out of my brain.
Page 1 of 2